When Squirrels Attack

Our friend and neighbor Dave had a recent encounter with a “skwerlian chitterbox” in London, which reminded me of this rather important website. It’s titled Scary Squirrel World. I pulled this article from it entitled “When Squirrels Attack.” Let none of us be caught unprepared again!

Patriots, teaching children about skwerls is an important part of parenting. Basic instruction should begin at an early age and continue through the formative years.

Failure to do so leads to embarrassing future encounters with the drooling nutzys or worse. Therefore, we recommend warning toddlers as young as 1 to be wary of all skwerlballs.

Of course, most toddlers react intinctively to skwerls. On spying a bushytail, the avearge 1-3 year old will toddle up to it and either a) try to stomp on it, or b) pick it up and stuff it in his or her mouth.

While we applaud such innocent bravado, only a dead skwerl will tolerate this sort of behavior. The consequences to the toddler are often unpleasant.

Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers will tell you that skwerls really pose no danger to young children. They argue that we are peddling paranoia to parents who already have enough to worry about.

Patriots, we can only wish for a world in which the maniacal nutzys are reformed into the lovey equivalent of baby chicks. But that dream is an illusion…

Toddler Falls Three Floors, Walks Away Barely Scratched Thu Sep 11,11:29 AM ET (Greenbelt, Md.) – It was a close-call for a one-year-old boy in Greenbelt Thursday morning. Police say shortly before 9 a.m., the toddler was looking at a squirrel when he pushed up against the screen of an open window and fell three floors landing on mulch, making for a soft landing. The boy was barely scratched according to officers. The boy was already back in the apartment when officers arrived, and seemed fine. But he was taken to Children’s Hospital in Washington as a precaution. Chauncey Bowers with Prince George’s Fire says the child appears to have no significant injuries. The incident happened in an apartment in the 9,100 block of Edmonston Road. Source: Yahoo News

Patriots, we can only guess at which of the many false promises of squirrel world domination the Edmonston chitterbox used to lure that toddler out the window.

However, the lesson for us is clear. We must teach our children that the bushytail horde is a menace to society.

Moreover, we must tell the youngest, those unable to defend themselves to simply stay clear of all skwerlballs unless an adult or older, responsible child is present.

As for you children out there… Perhaps your parents have fallen victim to squirrel world domination. They have become what we call pathetic skwerlhuggers. You can tell by the way they lavish more attention and better vittles on their skwerlien overlords than on you.

Unfortunately, skwerlhuggery is often chronic and irreversible. However, you can help. Confront your parents with their misguided behavior. Your pleas to turn from the skwerl-side may be the trigger that brings your folks back to reality.

Patriots, the unprovoked Edmonston incident once again exposes Tufty’s hellions for the animals they really are. It also reminds us that you’re never too young or too old to learn how to do the right thing when it comes to combating the slavering nutzy’s.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dave
    Oct 03, 2005 @ 23:09:00

    So true.

    Reply

  2. Jona
    Oct 04, 2005 @ 04:26:00

    The squirrels around here run away when my children approach – we have smart squirrels!

    Reply

  3. OldHorsetailSnake
    Oct 04, 2005 @ 08:56:00

    Yeah, this is all good advice. I can put the hate on skunks a lot sooner than on skewerls. Armadillos, too.

    Reply

  4. Cheryl
    Oct 05, 2005 @ 21:07:00

    My former roommate used to feed the skwerels. If they ran out, they'd come knock on the sliding glass doors, begging for more. Rats with bushy tails, that's all I have to say.

    Reply

  5. Pirate
    Oct 06, 2005 @ 19:41:00

    And there arch enemy the Schnauzer and his sidekick Blabk lab.

    Reply

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