Angst

I’m just not feeling right these days. Everything seems to be coming to a headless head. My body is changing, and I want to reach a truce with it. To be at peace with it; to cherish it even, despite its faults and foibles. Will that be possible? I want to treat my body better. When you get right down to it, your body is all you’ve got. Without your body, you’re walking around the ramparts moaning, “Adieu, adieu; Remember me.” And then its too late to wonder what might have been if you’d finally decided once and for all to just quit with the alcohol already; to find a way to do lunch that doesn’t involve driving up to a pimply teenager thrusting a greasy bag at you through an open window; to be able to say, “I just don’t care for chocolate,” without betraying yourself by laughing like a lying maniac until you fall over and start knee-slapping the pavement.

At least I don’t smoke. I like to give myself credit for that, but I can hear Chris Rock in my head chastising the brothers who boast that at least they’ve never been to jail. “You’re not supposed to go to jail!” he says in eye-rolling exasperation. Clearly, I need to set my goals higher. Anymore, saying, “At least I don’t smoke” is kinda like bragging that, “At least I don’t cut myself with dull, rusty razor blades and rub composted manure and dog spit into the wounds.” Well, no. I would hope not.

I am trying so hard to keep exercising. Please keep your fingers crossed that we will have summer one day soon. Hell, I’d even settle for spring.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Op
    Jun 09, 2010 @ 22:32:20

    Good to hear from you. Sorry you are suffering 'angst'. I am here, in Oregon…so close. Will we beable to meet? Loving you always!

    Reply

  2. Pernicious Panda
    Jun 10, 2010 @ 08:19:46

    Hi Op,I'm sorry I'm stuck here. As it is, I will be gone from home and kids for a full month, missing their last day of school even. But have fun at the coast. Toast a marshmallow for me if you get the chance!

    Reply

  3. JoJo
    Jun 10, 2010 @ 08:47:28

    Well I for one am enjoying the cool, rainy weather. The longer it stays like this, the shorter the summer! Good luck w/ your exercising though. I finally quit the gym b/c I don't go. I HATE exercise. HATE IT. At this point in my life, I just want to do what I want w/o feeling like I have to do things I don't like doing.

    Reply

  4. Fran
    Jun 10, 2010 @ 22:06:22

    Oh oh, that sounds not so well, but at least you discover that it will not be too late to make a new start and to treat your body better. You have “no body” in reserve! I have health problems and because I kept on exercising and cherished my body I'm in a “reasonably” good state (for my age). If I had not done that then I would be a wreck (like my sister is now). I advice you to read the post about health that I wrote on my blog. The title is: Why it Took so Long. That post will encourage you to cherish your body. Make a fresh start, you will never regret it!It's never too late, you can do it if you want.I hope you are feeling better now!

    Reply

  5. Pernicious Panda
    Jun 10, 2010 @ 23:12:09

    JoJo,That's it exactly! I want to do what I want too, but, in my case, I WANT to exercise. I love getting out on the trails and celebrating a blue sky overhead. I love the feeling of my muscles warming up and moving. But, alas, it's not so easy when all you get is rain, rain, and more rain.Fran,I did read your post, and have made a quick visit to your new website. I'm looking forward to reading Pipke's biography. I'm so glad you are putting it up on the web! One of my yet unfulfilled goals in life is to own chickens. And maybe someday ducks. Did Pipke ever lay eggs for you???Kristy

    Reply

  6. Fran
    Jun 11, 2010 @ 09:48:59

    Ha ha Kristy, as if she laid eggs!:):) She sometimes laid more than 100 eggs per year. (We never ate them.) We even made nests together, she asked me to help her every time. I would tell you more but I can't do that now otherwise I'm going to reveal too much. I can recommend you to take ducks. They are so sweet, you will never regret it. Thanks for paying me a visit!:)

    Reply

  7. Big Dave T
    Jun 13, 2010 @ 17:32:05

    You and I are in the same boat. My opinion–the older you get, the more that boat seems to have a mind of its own. I was just chastized last week by my doc for the lack of progress in maintaining a healthy lifestyle. In response to his berating me, I retorted with a veiled threat. He asked me if I ever smoked. "Not yet," said I.

    Reply

  8. Pernicious Panda
    Jun 13, 2010 @ 22:44:42

    Dave,I recently got a new doctor when my old one started talking about my being "pre-diabetic." I thought of you and your troublesome take-more-medicine doctor. This was the final straw with my guy. Sounds like semantics, but I don't appreciate the inevitable charter of the label "pre-diabetic." Borderline diabetic would be much more acceptable to me. Anyway, I changed doctors. I got tired of feeling like a failure. Funny, with making only minor changes otherwise, I'm no longer labeled pre-diabetic. Maybe you could find a new doctor too?

    Reply

  9. Big Dave T
    Jun 16, 2010 @ 08:27:23

    This is a new doctor for me, actually. I REALLY didn't get along with the other doc. He retired.Just stopped by to see if there's anything new on the police beat in your neck of the woods. I hear your buddies are tough on jaywalkers.

    Reply

  10. Pernicious Panda
    Jun 16, 2010 @ 23:09:36

    Gah! Did you see the video? Holy cow! We are all trying to feel outrage about police brutality, but even the black community leaders are having a hard time not telling those girls, well…"Duh!" What did you expect? Good to know it made it all the way to your part of the world…!

    Reply

  11. Time
    Jun 18, 2010 @ 14:34:25

    I had been labeled pre-diabetic a few years ago. I sort of watched my diet a bit more but really didn't do anything. It was stepping on the scales at an exam a year ago when I was trying to get more life insurance that I got my wake up call. I weighed more than I ever had in my life. I started hitting the gym every day and got into portion control. I lost 52 pounds. Oh, I indulge now and then, and I even smoke the occasional cigar. I've managed to keep on my program since and have kept the weight off. And I don't cut myself with dull razor blades dipped in dog spit anymore. 🙂

    Reply

  12. Margaret
    Jul 02, 2010 @ 20:21:58

    It's hard to want to do anything in this weather!! It was just pouring–no fun.Even my husband, the tent lover, said, "I'm sure glad we're not camping!" We just have to do our best to eat reasonably and try to exercise. Hang in there!! By the way, when are we doing coffee? (non-fat of course)

    Reply

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